Pain

Your breathing stops, the silence encompasses you. Your body and mind feel numb; they have for days, but even more so in this moment. You dash towards her room, incapable of thinking a single thought, for there is too much to think about. The smell of a sterile atmosphere and latex gloves, one that has become eerily comfortable, surrounds you. Your hands tremble and your face is blank.

You stop suddenly as you reach her room; you step inside for a moment and realize a mistake was made on your part. She’s gone, she’s taken her last breath and her body lays motionless, breathless, lifeless. You never got to tell her that she was the best mother a daughter could ask for, you never got to say goodbye. You didn’t dare mutter those words before, they were too real, too terrifying. That moment is now lost, never to happen again and you wish you had. You wish you had said all of those things. You step out of the room and watch as part of your family hugs each other, oblivious to your existence. You didn’t know a feud would tear you apart like this; do they even deserve the title of family? You stand there completely silent. Your heart beats fast; your eyes forget how to shed tears and your head pounds. You feel as though you’ve been kicked in the stomach, as though you’re screaming and nobody can hear you and you stand alone, a witness to the scene unfolding in front of you.

          You are speechless. This moment will never be forgotten. This feeling will forever be ingrained into your mind. This hole you sense in your heart, it will never be filled back up again. You close yourself off, not willing to be this close to anyone again. Your pain never relents. The memories and details might fade, but the gaping hole in your heart is forever present, a constant reminder of pain and the loss of a mother. You had no say in this, you constantly ask yourself why it happened, you feel pain everyday and are now stuck with the fact of life.

So was I.